‘Who are you… when no one’s watching?’ The question every student must answer

In the race to become somebody, to impress, gather likes, influence, achieve, attract, most students forget to ask the one question that defines every relationship they’ll ever have:

Who am I when no one is watching me?

The raw version of you that is not the one behind the likes, filters, achievements and masks is the version that ever truly matters that must be seen, loved and nourished to bring out your authenticity.

I’ve sat across many young adults who are achievers, performers, dreamers, who shine on the outside but are quietly disoriented inside.   You might ask, what the cause for this is.  It is unmet needs, invisible fears and toxic relationship patterns, where most of these aren’t even their fault; but because they cannot identify what is causing the feelings within, they cannot begin to sort them out and it then bleeds into various other life-situations.

We inherit the lens through which we see ourselves, from childhood and we are silently acting out scripts written by emotionally unavailable parents or one-sided love stories that left us feeling not-enough.  As a result of this, we build relationships that match this mask and not our authentic or real self, which we have never seen or felt.

Self-Aware Much?

The problem with performative self-awareness is that in a world obsessed with ‘knowing and loving yourself,’ many students are mistaking this ‘awareness of self’ as an armour that they think can protect them in all situations.

They think: “I’m confident because I speak well. I’m self-aware because I know my strengths.

No one can fool me.”  The truth is that confidence without clarity of your filters is just hollow and crumbles slowly.  Self-knowledge without knowing and healing certain patterns is again just shallow information that will not withstand the weight of any trauma.

You become a target for toxic relationships

When you don’t know your filters, even confident people and so called ‘self-aware’ people can become a sitting duck.  The toxic person can pick you out in a crowded room.  They zero-in on you and put you through the toxic cycle, that you will have no inkling of, till your emotions are off the charts.

Why this matters in college (and in life too)?

The patterns you become aware of and reset in your student years become the blueprint for your adult relationships, boundaries, career choices and form the foundation of a strong person that no amount of toxic targeting, heartbreak or any other life event can shake.  You will be solid inside out, anchored in a self-awareness that encompasses all filters and factors.  You will smell toxicity a mile away and in fact, you will be the one that picks up red flags on your radar, even to help friends and family. 

It is this self-awareness that helps you understand your unconscious pull behind why you’re drawn to emotionally distant people or why you overextend yourself to gain love or why you tolerate being gaslit or controlled in the name of ‘love’ or ‘loyalty.’  This is the self-awareness that is needed, that is not skin-deep.

What we’re not teaching young adults (But must)

In my college sessions, I ask students questions they’ve never been asked:

What limiting belief is running your life and relationships?

Are you building connection or seeking validation? What is the difference?

What does feeling invisible mean and who benefits from that?

In the Q&A sessions, the room lights up.  Students are engaged and curious.  Their insights are valuable and their take on life refreshing. I love to listen to them, especially when they finally get language that explains their inner confusion.  I can spot the exact moment the veil lifts from them and they recognize red flags and make the connection of what is/was happening to them.  The same is with my clients.  It is a beautiful moment and I know then that my work with them is done.

The inner work that changes everything

I find that students are so in touch with reality and eager to shift ‘error codes’ in them, that they recognize and reframe them. They know that their strength is not in labelling parents or partners as toxic, rather it is about taking back authorship of their story.

These are precious moments with students and it is the knowledge they need to be able to be content with the answer of the question, about who are they when no one is watching. 

That is what ultimately matters in life.

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